I wonder if you can still recall that night or remember it as vividly as I could.
It was raining hard, as the weather in town had always been unpredictable. And there we were, climbing up the hill in the midst of darkness, about to see our friend home to safety.
We were sharing an umbrella because I forgot to bring mine.
I remember how wonderful it was not to be holding on to anything but my things, making sure that they do not get wet.
After we send her home, it was my turn next. You were to bring me back to my house. And, as we were going down the hill, where the houses were far apart from each other, the rain got stronger. We had to move a bit closer to each other to ensure we will be safe from the rain.
And you were a scaredy cat, that was one fact I only learned about you that night. Funny how long we had known each other and how little I knew about you still. A slight motion would get you into panic mode that when a cat passed by us, you almost jumped out of your own skin.
I am laughing right now as I remember this.
As a car that was parked suddenly alarmed, it finally unraveled you. You suddenly held tightly onto me, I can only laugh.
We continued but your hands never left mine. It was pitch black by this time, as the next house was much farther, and the street lights were broken. The rain was still pouring hard.
It was pretty much raining cats and dogs.
I know how scared you are, I can feel it in the hands holding mine.
So, I decided to start talking about other things, to redirect your attention somewhere else, so you’d forget you were scared. I asked you questions about how you were when you were a kid, about some things you did as you grew up. I made you tell all the stories about your past to me and so you did.
For a moment, it was like the world was a quiet place and we were the only two people on it.
I noticed your hand stopped shaking, relaxed slowly and dropped mine. And the next second, we were both laughing as you told me stories on how you were a little daredevil when you were a child.
We were finally having a moment and I couldn’t believe it myself. The guy I have come to like was here with me, sharing one umbrella, under the harsh rain.
I can only stare at you as you animatedly told every story about your childhood. I was having so much fun.
Until, you stopped so abruptly. Then you looked me directly in my eyes. Slowly, you reached behind my head. I can only hear the crickets then, besides my beating heart.
This was the moment you were finally going to kiss me, I thought to myself.
But you only got a leaf from my hair and then you laughed. You closed the umbrella and said, “Here we finally are. Goodbye!”
I didn’t even notice that the rain has finally stopped as did our journey down the hill. We were already in front of my house. As you said your goodbye, I can feel my heart cracking.
My biggest regret was not telling you then, not saying how I felt about you.
I put set my alarm and closed my eyes when I heard the door open.
“I’m home. It was raining so hard outside.”, says my husband.
I tried putting you in the back of my mind, away from the present. You are only a memory to me now, someone I will always remember when it rains.
Up until now, I still think about what could have been if I told you I love you that night.
But then, how could I have known that was your final goodbye? You never told me you were leaving for abroad the very next day. You never mentioned that night being the last time we’ll see each other. You left me unprepared.
Had I known, I would have gathered up all my courage. I would have blurted it all out before you left me to get into my house. I may have just kissed you that night when I was so sure that you would. I would have done things differently and maybe I would not be having any regrets now.
Let’s just put it this way. I guess you are always going to be the one who got away.