I miss you. I miss sleeping snuggled in your arms, making me feel safe and secure, feeling that everything is right with the world. I miss the way you look in my eyes and tell me i'm pretty, right before you smack me in the forehead. I miss you giving me heart attacks when you suddenly show up out of nowhere in my house when i get home. I miss the way you hold out your arms and invite me into your embrace. I miss cooking with you and for you, when you sincerely say i cook better than you do. Weekend coffees and breakfasts. I miss taking care of you when you're sick, when you cry out for me like a kid for his mom in your feverish delirium. I miss you blaming me for not reining you in when you overspend. I miss those talks of anything and everything over drinks and videos. Those dinners, strolls and movies. I miss walking with you holding my hand or embracing me as i match your strides. I miss it when you look at me the way a man admires a woman, and caress me involuntarily. I just miss you.
I hate you. I hate you for leaving me in this void, for vanishing just when i need you. I hate you for not standing up for me in the face of criticisms when i would've fought tooth and nail for you without hesitation. I hate that you still made me believe there is a future for us, a family that we'll build. I hate it that i have to get you drunk to hear you say that you love me and want to settle with me. I hate it that you keep on defining me by my past, the past that i keep trying to run away from and overturn. I hate it that you no longer acknowledge my existence in your life despite spending much of your time with me, like you're embarrassed that people would know that you're still seeing me even after YOU called us quits. I hate it that you're suppressing me from putting my emotions into words and making them tangible, dismissing it as shallowness. I hate how you can make me feel loved in a moment, then turn cold and callous in the blink of an eye. I hate your selfishness, the way you have to make everything about you. I hate you for giving up on me too easily. I just hate you.
I thank you. Despite your harsh words, i appreciate it that you think i'm thick-skinned enough to be able to take them. I thank you for forcing me outside of my comfort zones, even when i didn't want to. I thank you for those unexpected sincere compliments, for encouraging my skills and talents, for believing i am meant to achieve more than this. I thank you for leaving me alone to discover my true strength and passion, even when i wasn't ready. I appreciate you.
I am sorry. Regretful of my past actions that led to this. Sorry that i was blind to your love all those years ago, sorry to have let you go. Now i have to let you go again even if i don't want to. Regretful that it has come to this, sometimes i wish we haven't drifted back into each other's lives only to lose each other again. Sorry for all the pain, and sorrier for myself. I wish i could turn back time and undo everything i did wrong. I'm deeply sorry.
Finally, I still love you. I loved you when we were younger, even before we knew what love really was. I loved you more when we met again, despite everything. It will be a while before i love again, and for now i don't think i really want to. You were a part of me, and you always will be. Just as i kept that bear you gave me years ago, i will be keeping our memories safe in my solitude. I love you. 🐻
Painful...