The Most Painful Regret
written by: chabbyworldph
Have you ever made a decision that you regret? Like when you wake up every single day, that wrong decision haunts you. But then it's too late to undo the mistakes and undo the past and there’s no one to blame but yourself.
This is a story about endings and new beginnings. Second chances are rare, so you better use your first chance wisely.
Day 1
It’s just a typical day at work when I received a message from a friend thru hangouts. That friend is one of our Jedi here in Deliveroo.
That Jedi was having a Zero-G that day and asked me to swing by at the training room 1 located on the 2nd floor, to have an inspirational talk to our newbies. At first, I don’t want to do it because public speaking is one of my greatest weaknesses. But the convincing power of that Jedi was really effective and I end up going to the Training Room 1.
To cut the story short, Yes, I made a speech, I gave some tips and advice to the newbies and I welcome them to TaskUs.
Day 2
I’ve received a messenger request from this unknown guy named (secret hahaha).
He said “Hi” and I said “Hello po” (very millennial, right?)
He asked me if I remember him, I said: “No, I’m sorry”. I’m not really good at remembering names. He mentioned that he is one newbie from Zero G. He told me that he tried to search me on FB but he can’t find it, so he asked my friend Jedi earlier for the correct spelling of my name.
He told me that, he became curious about me because he finds me smart, attractive and strong when I was in front of him during my Zero G talk. Strong? Because according to him, although I’m shaking, I was able to deliver my speech in a good way.
To be honest, I remember him. He was seated in front of me. If my memory serves me right, I looked at him 3 times, because he’s cute. Yes. Super. And he has that beautiful, perfect smile. Promise.
And yes, that’s the start of something beautiful. For what I can remember, we were chatting until 3am and after that, I don’t know, I think already fall in love with him (agad? Hahahah). He’s very sweet, funny and smart. He mentioned that he wants to fall in love with me and want to know me more. I said, there’s no need for him to court me because I like him already. Our game plan was to continue knowing each other and let’s wait for the perfect time to have a label.
To make it short, that day, it feels like my 23 years of being single just ended. For the first time in forever, someone approached me and finds me interesting. Well, to be honest, I can’t picture out someone having a crush on me. That day I felt blessed because I found him and he found me. Thank you, Lord.
Day 26 (Valentines Day)
As of writing, we don’t have communication anymore.
Why?
Four days ago (my 24th Birthday) I don’t know what happened but it feels like something has changed. Everything has changed. He’s not the same anymore.
I started asking myself. Did I push too much for love? Or was it just me trying too hard?
Did I think of this the wrong way? Was I wrong for aiming high and aiming far?
So that day, I made a decision, I told him to stay away from me and I gave him time to think if I am really the right person for him.
It broke my heart because he agreed. I thought he will fight for what we have, but he just agrees to stay away and have time to think (without answering my questions). Well, he mentioned that it’s my decision and he will respect it.
It’s been 4 days Babe, and I miss you so much. I want you to know that I loved you. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.
Yes, it feels like I made a wrong decision. Maybe I don’t deserve you and I deserve to be alone this Valentines Day. But I will be okay. I will be okay because the love inside of me is strong and true.
Day 30
Exactly one month since we’ve first met. Still, no message from him. This time, I made another decision. I want him back and I’ll do everything to make him mine again.
I realize that time is not what we need. Because time flies. Time is something you can never get back to take advantage of every moment because second chances are rare. Do what you want to do. Say what you want to say. Time lost, maybe, will never be found again.
So, right after my shift. I went to his station, and surprisingly, he smiled when saw me. He gave me again that beautiful perfect smile that I’ve always wanted to see. That moment, I felt that we can start over again.
I gave him 3 pieces of candy, which symbolizes, I LOVE YOU. After that, he held my hand, in front of his teammates. I felt secure, I felt loved because he’s just beside me, holding my hand. One thing I realized, sobra sobra ko siyang na-miss.
On his first break, we went outside the office. He hugged me, he smiled at me and he gave me that meaningful look on his eyes telling that he missed me. We had a small talk and of course, I explained my side of the story. I apologized and he mentioned that we can try it again.
It’s just a 10 minute moment with him but it’s okay because even just one second with the one that you love, can feel like more than a lifetime.
Power hug, mahigpit, matagal, that’s how we set apart. I’m wonderstruck, blushing all my way home that night. I thank God for this chance.
Day 31
What happened?
No message from him. I can see him online in messenger, but why is he not replying? I kept calm. I don’t want to have an argument with him. It’s okay, I know there’s a reason behind it.
It’s my rest day, so I’ve decided to go the office to see him. I told him that, I have some report to finish so that he can think that I’m not being clingy or something.
Thru Hangouts, I asked him if we can have lunch together, but he declined because he already said YES to a team lunch with his teammates. He mentioned that I can go home and have some rest. I agree on that, because again, I don’t want to argue. I promised myself that this time, I’ll be more cautious.
When I got home, I received a message from him, “pano pag sinabi ko na bumitaw kna kc wla knang kakapitan”. I will lie if I say it didn’t affect me, because it did, sobra. I can’t even move my thumb to reply, but I have to, I need to know the truth.
I said, “Pinabibitaw mo na ba ako?”
He replied, “ayaw ko masayang oras mo sakin. d ko alam if mararamdaman ko pa ung tulad ng dati, prang ang hirap na sakin”
Again, ang sakit, sh*t. I said “What did I do? I thought we're okay. Just yesterday we had a moment. You held my hand, you hugged me, you said there’s still a chance. But what happened?”
“d ko alam cguro na excite lng ako kahapon? pero after na alala ko ulit ung nangyari” he replied.
I don’t know what to respond. So I just told him, “I’m just waiting for your Go Signal”.
I ready myself for a goodbye, however, he didn’t reply back anymore.
Day 40
It’s been more than a month now, there’s a part of me saying that, I should never lose hope, that we will have our second chance again. That we deserve one more try. But, on the other side, it’s saying that, you let go of your chance already and you deserve this pain.
I know it’s my fault, after all. And to be honest, I regret pushing him away. I regret giving him time to think. I regret being so selfish. I regret being so weak. I regret everything every single day, and regret has got to be one of the most painful emotion.
This might not be a happy ending but I need to let go and set myself free. Free of all expectations and hurts. No matter how much you hold someone, there really comes to a point that it has to go away. Sometimes, taking a step back from a painful situation may be a sign of showing self-love.
Now, I just want to trust what is happening and choose to learn from it. I want to trust that better things will come my way. Siguro, hanggang dito na lang talaga yung kwento na sabay naming binuo. Everything happens for a reason, if it’s meant to be then it will happen and if it's not, life continues...
